


Avengers 99

by Bluebird2479



Category: Avengers, brooklyn 99
Genre: Crack Fic, Funny avengers, Multi, Not a Crossover, avengers as b99 moment, avengers crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 19:11:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19447771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebird2479/pseuds/Bluebird2479
Summary: A collection of moments with the avengers as b99 momentsOr basically how I’m still in denial over endgame and decided to use Brooklyn 99 as a coping mechanism





	Avengers 99

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own marvel or Brooklyn 99...unfortunately

———————————————

Texting During a mission 

Peter: why aren’t we all sitting together?

Steve: Dear peter, this is safety protocol. We are less conspicuous travelling as individuals. Sincerely, Steven Rogers

Peter: you don’t have to sign your name on texts

Steve : dear peter, suggestion noted. Sincerely, Steve Rogers

Peter: ......

————————————————

Nick Fury enters SHIELD office with a bandaged wrist 

Everyone stares at him, contemplating what happened.

Nick: don’t ask

Tony: I bet it’s something embarrassing, that’s why he won’t tell us

Nick : I tripped over an uneven sidewalk and sprained my wrist. Now back to work everyone

Later

Nick : do you want to know how I really sprained my wrist 

Tony: yes!

Nick: I was hula hooping. Phil and I attend a class both for fitness and for fun.

Tony (whispers) : oh my god 

Nick shows him pictures on his phone : I’ve mastered all the moves. The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Tony, filled with excitement: why are you telling me this?!

Nick, in a conspiratory voice: because no one will ever believe you.

Tony: no, no! You sick son of a bitch!

————————————————

Pepper : why would I own an axe?

Natasha : what kind of a woman doesn’t have an axe?

————————————————

All the women of marvel : I’ve only had peter for a day, but if anything happened to him I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself!

————————————————

Steve Rogers : I must say, this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues. They were not, as the kids say, awake.

Peter : Do you mean woke?

Steve : I did mean woke. But it's grammatically incoherent.

Tony : oh my god!

———————————————-  
After Steve accidentally comes out to Thor 

Thor : Bye Brother Steve. I mean, not "bi," but bye! I mean, see you! I mean, have fun only having sex with women. Just bangin' ladies, left and right.

Steve: ........

————————————————

Clint : you could’ve died man

Tony : the doctor said all the bleeding was internal. That’s where blood is supposed to be

Steve internally: I should not punch my tiny wounded boyfriend 

————————————————  
Clint being a drama queen 

Clint : would you tell the sky to stop being so blue 

Nick : yes, I wish it were tan

Clint : what?

Nick: it’s my favourite color. It’s no nonsense 

————————————————

During a mission 

Steve : I want everyone in their positions, wait for Thor’s signal before attacking. Any questions? No? good.

Tony : wait, do you wanna get married later?

Steve : yup

Tony : okay 

Steve : that’s the signal 

Clint : did you just propose?!

Tony : yup! And your planning my bachelor party later. Now get your head in the game 

(A/N: not entirely direct quotes from the show)

————————————————  
Tony : I’ve looked it over, nice work peter 

Peter : Thanks, Dad... Why is everyone staring at me?

Natasha: You just called tony dad; you said thanks, dad.

Peter: What? No, I didn't. I said thanks, man.

Tony : Do you see me as a father figure, Parker

Peter : No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me

Steve : show some respect to your father

Peter: I didn't call him dad.

Tony : No, no. Kid, I take it as a compliment.

Vision: It's not a big deal. I called Wanda mom once and she's my fiancée.

Peter: Guys, jump on that. Vision has psycho-sexual issues.

Clint: Old news. But you calling tony daddy.

Peter: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.

Loki: Well, you did call him dad

Peter: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.

Loki: Okay, I was lying about the aliens, but the daddy thing that happened.

Peter: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.

Tony : I believed you-

Peter: Thank you.

Tony: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?

Peter: I'd like that.  
————————————————

Steve : Bucky’s ready to go to the press meet. See, he’s even wearing his formal leather jacket.

Bucky : it’s the one without any blood on it. 

————————————————

Clint : When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&and J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.

————————————————

Natasha: My neighbors think my name is Natalie Rushman 

Steve: Oh, yeah.

Natasha: People I work with all think my name is Natasha Romanoff 

Steve : Yeah -wait, what?

Natasha: Don't worry about it.

Steve: Okay.

————————————————-

Grandmaster : You ever want to do business again, my door is always open.

Thor : Well, you should close it, lest you get moths. Good day.

————————————————  
After a hard mission

Tony: Look, I'm ready. I'm the same old Tony.

Steve: I don't know why you have an issue with this. Nat was happy to comply.

Tony : So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Natasha does? I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?

Steve : If Natasha were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Natasha jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Tony: You jump off a cliff.

Steve: Gladly. Provided Natasha did first

————————————————-

Minister: So, do you Steve -

Steve :Yes.

Minister: And do you-

Tony: Yes. Yes. We do. We're married. Now time for the honeymoon 

————————————————

Tony : Bruce, Clint ,settle a little tiff that Steve and I are having.

Steve: Let's be honest, Tony, it's not a tiff, it's a row.

Tony: And now it's a scene.

————————————————-

Steve : I’ve been looking, but I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do.

Tony : I Can’t Find Anything and I Don’t Know What to Do, title of your sex tape

————————————————-

Hela : hello brother. Do you like my new palace . 27 floors

Loki : yes, i never thought I’d see you this high without a broom under you

————————————————-

Bucky : I’ve been through hell 

Darcy : big deal. I worked at a sunglass kiosk at the mall for four years. So not only have I been through hell, I was assistant manager there. 

————————————————  
Nick Fury throws a party at SHIELD

Nick : why is no one having fun? I specifically requested it.

————————————————

Clint : is she crying?

Natasha : a little

Clint, snatching the phone from Natasha : you should be wailing you stone cold bitch. Now call my other grandma and tell her I’m dead.

————————————————

After a robbery at the tower 

Bruce : can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?

Tony : emotionally? Seven hundred million dollars.

Clint: knowing you, it probably actually is worth that much

————————————————-

The avengers in a hostage situation 

Tony: this is just like die hard!!

Steve rolling his eyes : okay team, plan?

Later, all the avengers except for Steve are captured. 

Hydra agent just about to shoot Tony

Steve drops from the ceiling in a white tank top.  
He knocks out the agent

Steve: yippee kayak other buckets

Tony : Steve you did it! And you completely botched the catchphrase 

————————————————

Clint : I need someone to fill out the line up, will you be scary Bruce?

Bruce : I love scary Bruce, he says what regular Bruce is thinking 

Cut to a debriefing 

Hulk : THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG! IM GONNA BE LATE TO THE FARMERS MARKET 

————————————————

**Author's Note:**

> For updates on my work plz follow my Instagram, username same as this one : bluebird2479
> 
> Thanks for the leave and don’t forget to comment


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